I can finally catch my breath! It has been a couple of months of back to back sickness filtering through each family member slowly. It really is so crazy how the common cold or tummy bug can wipe a parent out emotionally and physically. The sleepless nights and cranky toddlers becomes too overwhelming sometimes right? Trying to maintain a social life with family and friends through that also becomes nearly impossible but it is SO necessary to keep those you love close to you during these times. I felt that I almost couldn’t handle it all at times and just wanted to run away to the hot desert for a month. I am on the other side now and I finally have a happy little 2 year old boy looking back at me. The sweetest sounds on this planet are the laughs of your children. Happiness and pure joy. The sound of them feeling loved and safe.

Despite all of this though, I still find myself mindlessly checking my social media, or gazing out of a window waiting for something exciting. A phone call, a message from a friend saying they’ve found free childcare and they are looking to fill a full time spot for a 4 and 2 year old. Sometimes I check my email eighteen times hoping there’s a message from a far away land inviting me to help at an orphanage or deliver medicine to a remote village!

I hate myself for it because I know that my little babies are growing so fast and this mind numbing (yet exciting at times) stage is but a breath! I can’t help but notice this empty hole in my heart that longs for more wild. The nap times are quite hard for me and I spiral into idleness becoming useless to everybody. I become an observer and shut off. No longer engaged. Does this resonate with any of my other stay at home mommas?

I absolutely ADORE my kids and I love my life. I love that I get to be home to answer the questions that my four year old has about her body, the world or homelessness. I get to tickle my 2 year old until he can’t breathe and pretend that the ground is lava so his little imagination explodes. And I am so happy that my husband can go to work with ease knowing that his kids are looked after with love and care and that I can have a hot meal made for him at the end of the day. But wow, this is a hard job.

Sometimes I just need something exciting, dangerous or irresponsible. I’m all too human to desire these things. Being a visionary without vision has made it quite hard taking steps forward and I don’t know what direction to be stepping. I know that I have more to offer in this life, I’m just seeking to find out what that might be.

I do know that my answer is to get into Gods word, meditate on it and pray. Pray for direction. Pray for peace, joy, contentment in my role as a stay at home Mom and give Him thanks for this opportunity. He is the answer and He’s right in front of  me. I’m just praying for time and sleep!

It brings me to my “mind switch” that happened while we were in Costa Rica WITHOUT the kids. A much needed break for our 10 year anniversary. I was borderline considering starting up my anti-depression medication again because the lack of sleep was starting to play my mind. I wasn’t sleeping due to the endless weeks of Calebs fevers, colds and teething. Because of that, my sleep cycle went bonkers and I could barely function. I’ve been here before and it isn’t a pretty picture if I don’t deal with it right away.

I had quite a bit of anxiety leaving the kids before our trip and I really have a fear of flying in small aircrafts (I don’t love flying in helicopters either, and my husband is a heli pilot). But I do it, because I love to travel. I do it afraid and pray my way through it. I might add that I also get really nauseous in any aircraft. I pop Gravol the maximum recommended dose back to back.

After 30 hours of travel from Vancouver to the little surf town Nosara, Costa Rica, I was still unable to unwind. My mind was racing and I wasn’t sleeping because of jet lag now. I was super frustrated with all of this because I thought that I would feel immediate relaxation being with my husband in a tropical jungle with endless surf coming our way in the morning.

Guys… it took me 3 whole days of surfing, drinking coconut juice, eating amazing food at romantic restaurants and listening to great music until I finally slept a full 12 hours on the third night of our trip! I actually woke up in a panic at 7:45am thinking everyone left to do something fun without me. I believe that day I was kissed by God because I had the best surf day catching endless waves with my best friends and hubby. There also just happened to be a jazz trumpet player playing at the “Costa” Restaurant that night (I used to play trumpet and get buzzed off of jazz). Andy and I had an amazing date sipping wine, talking, listening to music under stars at a romantic outdoor restaurant and walking the beach afterwards. Something switched at that point where I knew I was finally healthy in the head again. It took me 3 whole days to come down to assessing myself, my inner thoughts and listening to my body!

And then COVID19 hit hard. The last 24 hours of our trip, I felt like we were checking our phones every 5 minutes because government and border closures were happening that quickly. Being away from our kids during this time was also making us feel unsettled. We just wanted to get home to them.
When we finally got in the door, greeted by our kids and Grandparents… we felt relieved. I feel I don’t even need to explain the COVID shock to anyone since this is a global pandemic, but I feel that this has all brought some good things to me personally.

I have beaten my own running distance and speed since Andy is not so busy at work and is able to give me that time in the morning. My neighbours have been home more so I am able to get to know them. The kids and I have found creativity in crafts and baking (which does NOT come naturally to me). I usually have my own personal tantrums when I bake in the kitchen. Following recipes is hard for me and when I cook, I usually don’t replicate the same meal twice since I follow my flavours and taste tests.

Can we all relate that this “shaking” has brought some good? Some self evaluation and time to refocus our priorities? I’ve set some personal goals in my running with distance and speed which I am still looking to achieve. I’m learning more routines and structure with the kids and I am looking forward to the next season whenever that may be. I feel that I am being prepared for it in such a great way!

*My next blog will be about overcoming fear by knowing and believing Gods word ! The significance of Easter and Christ overcoming the cross. I’ve been wanting to write it for a while, but just waiting for the time! Gods done amazing breakthrough for me on Easter weekends.