This is not the year for marathons, clean houses or healthy home cooked meals. These are the years of survival.

Since Caleb turned one, my anxiety has felt stronger. The age gap with Bethany and Caleb is quite intense. Bethany is molding into her independent, spirited self as a three year old and asking deeper/complex questions about life and everything around us. We were driving in the car to the grocery store yesterday, and she asks “Mommy, where is the world?” Try answering that one. I start with- “Well sweetie, everything you see around us, is the world.” “Yah, but where is it?” “It’s in the universe with the stars and other planets.” “but whats planets?” My shoulders just got tight thinking about it. It’s SOO beautiful that she’s asking, but my brain gets racked.

Caleb is also at a stage now where his communication is getting stronger in the form of shrieking. I’m dealing with an incredible amount of noise. Questions and shrieks. My best friend and I laugh about this stage of life and ask each other what we do to survive the days. I messaged her a picture of a hot bath with chips, ranch dip, wine and netflix on my ipad yesterday at noon while both kids napped. She laughed and messaged back that she was being a “prince” with her oldest daughter as her baby napped.

I am currently “fasting” social media to refocus my attention and prioritize my heart. It all becomes quite distracting as a stay at home mom when you see the world whizzing by on this exhilarating journey while you are changing the 4th diaper of the day and fixing ANOTHER snack. Writing is one of the things that I’ve lost in the last couple of months. My creativity has been a bit snuffed, but I’m slowly putting more attention to it as the days go on.

Parenting has been the hardest, most exhausting thing I have every done in my life. I have learned so much about myself. Mostly bad stuff. Lack of patience, anger, how to properly manage my time. I’ve recognized my weak mental state as a side affect of parenting. My mindless days at home have actually made me less intelligent. I’m trying to figure out ways to exercise my brain while keeping at my children’s development level.

The reality of my new job as a stay at home mom is for real now. I emailed my Manager early last week with a courteous resignation and will deliver my formal letter this week. It took me 18 months to truly come to this place and accept my new situation. I totally tried praying my way out of it. I looked for several different ways to continue working or making extra money. God has actually spoke to me quite clearly on a couple of details.

One night as I was bathing the kids, I clearly felt Him say that me being at home isn’t for me, but is very important for them. I never looked at it that way. Me being at home and giving up a career/my own self at this time of life isn’t about me. I also sat in silence while the kids napped one day and just pressed into God asking what He truly thought and I saw 2 huge, flashing arrows (like a runway) pointing into my living room with the kids playing on the floor. It could NOT be more clear what God truly desires for my life at the moment. This is me being a #bossbabe.

Through this time as a stay at home momma with 2 little kids, I will be digging DEEPLY into who I am and what I desire. Marriage takes a bit of a beating after kid #2 we have found. But it’s just an adjustment. Trying to find and balance the priorities. Our relationship with God, our marriage, family, friends, jobs and church commitments. It’s a lot to juggle and all that’s happening at the moment is a shift in the paradigm. I can see why a lot of people separate or divorce after having kids. Needs aren’t being met and conversations are based on daily activities, bathing kids or cleaning the house. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of time for eye contact and “How you doing?”

Life continues whether you are prepared or not. Andy and I have chosen to bring our kids along with us doing what we enjoy. We just got back from Big White Ski Resort outside of Kelowna, BC. Chaotic does not begin to describe it. 2 three year olds, 3 one year olds a 6 month old baby and 8 adults were sharing the cabin. But we did it. We snowboarded, we enjoyed the hot tub, we went out for dinner and we went skating. Was it peaceful or relaxing? Nope. But we did it because this is what we love to do. I have found that our kids are getting used to being out and about and they are starting to sleep better sharing a room with the whole family in these situations now because we just keep going. Us Mom’s got some solitude snowboarding in for a couple of days and even hit the black diamond runs through the trees- lots of good bails, but lots of amazing powder and a glimpse into what our lives used to be. Freedom comes in different ways for us now and we are grateful for the moments we get away from our kids.