The rainy Autumn and fall is here. So is the seasonal depression that I only just realized I’ve been battling with my whole life on the island! As a high school teenager, I toughed out the wet shoes and pant legs without thinking of buying some rubber boots or an umbrella. I just went from A to B without thinking of how I got there. It didn’t matter then. I wasn’t conscious of my mental health or state of mind. Boys, sports and friends were the only thing pulsing through my adolescence. Walking up to my College campus in the pouring rain (I still didn’t buy a rain jacket or rubber boots yet) after parking my car on 4th Street. The constant damp feeling of life on the Island didn’t phase me. Then.

None of it phased me until my firstborn Bethany came along. She came right before the gloomy fall with a dad that worked away for weeks at a time. After dealing with postpartum depression and taking medication, I realized what a normal feeling of happiness felt like. I thought ” wow, I’ve been dealing with this untreated for a long time”- NOT even realizing it. Maybe it’s adulting that I needed to be conscious of my health? Or becoming a Mom? It’s crazy to me that it took this long for me to realize how mentally tapped I’ve been in life. Mentally “weak”.

I’m not implying that this “weakness” is a thing to look down on. It is a true, real evaluation of myself. It’s recognizing my sensitive state of mind and forcing me to find ways to strengthen it (which is quite hard when I’m singing Frozen all day). Currently, I haven’t been on the antidepressants for 6 months and now researching different, “natural” ways to cope with the vast spectrum of anxiety and depression. So, CBD oil, L-Theanine, Omegas etc. I do sway between both spectrums quite rapidly with the kids at home. The lull of nap times, the loneliness of a husbands long work days, the fighting of 2 spirited children. All things I am beyond grateful for. I Just need some mental assistance to cope.

Additionally, I would like to add the whole of a person. (The spiritual, emotional, physical and mental). When one is out of whack- others falter too. I’ve always had a challenge in my life searching for balance. It is critical at this point in my life that I find it soon because I am modelling humanity to my children. A safe/peaceful zone. To say I am overwhelmed is an understatement. Atomically exhausted is more accurate. Learning this new skin I am walking around in is very challenging. Rediscovering this new person – the one that comes with a husband, a daughter, a son and a dog is hard. The friend, the sister and Aunt- I am molding into this new casing and I am battling to keep in touch with who I am.

I just took 5 minutes to myself in my closet to gather my thoughts and prayers for the day- after making lunches, breakfast for everybody else and maybe getting half of a coffee to myself. I feel like a paper bag being blown up and popped! The surprise of the first pop is exciting to the blower. Try blowing that same bag up again and again and popping it. It loses its wow factor. The bag becomes wrinkled, beaten down and unpoppable. The surprise elements are gone.

My light is dim and fading. I feel like Branch from Trolls- colourless and grumpy. I just need a hug and a song. But not “Let It Go”. Please.