The mind battle and the loss of the second ever bond (aside from growing a baby inside) in life is devastating… but do I need to justify it to every other Mom, health unit and google?
The blogs I’m reading from other Mom’s referring to breast milk as Liquid Gold just pushes me deeper and deeper to eating worms in the dirt since I’m offering the “second best” source of feeding- the dreaded TOXIC formula. The blogs are geared to healthy moms who haven’t had supply issues from the beginning or who are militant about pumping around the clock. (Which I certainly do not have time for).

The “stats” say that 1 in 4 women suffers with Postpartum depression and anxiety but when I sit in a room full of moms with smiles ear to ear about the new life that they brought into the world I question if I am the only one that suffered with this terrible stigma AGAIN. I was determined not to get it after the experience that I had with my first born. I figured that I knew what I was doing the second time around and that it wouldn’t come as such a shock. That maybe the reason why I got it the first time was because I didn’t know what I was doing.

I feel alone in the stigma and like I am a bad mom for the crazy anxiety that I’ve dealt with. In the dark hours of night and the early mornings- the feelings of fire on the back of my neck while nursing my baby, worried if I even have enough milk for him, the room bolting back and forth in my mind and being SUCKED from my bed with the room closing in around me from 1-5am in the morning while my husband worked away for 2 weeks at a time. My toddler sleeping peacefully beside me in our small house and the baby asleep after the second nursing session of the night. I call myself a single mother half the time and through this anxiety and stress, my milk supply to feed my baby dropped dramatically.
I did ALL the things said to boost your supply- buying $50 worth of Fenugreek, protein balls, oatmeal, mothers milk tea, brewers yeast and I even bought a huge water container to ensure that I was getting the 16 glasses of water I needed a day. I tried eating all of my calories and I still felt anxiety and my breasts still felt empty. My hungry baby still cranky and fussy and waking up every hour through the night, I felt lost! I felt exhausted since I needed to be “ON” to take care of my toddler 24/7 with daddy working away.

WHAT is the answer to every moms questions? What is right and what is wrong? What needs to be justified and what needs to be gently, peacefully and gracefully accepted?

Before my second baby came around, I told myself that I wouldn’t be so worried if I had to put him on formula again like I did with my first born. But here I am, mourning and grieving the loss of his refusal to breastfeed now that he’s had a taste of the formula that keeps him full, satisfied and happy.

I tried so many things different this time around. I was WAY more relaxed with him and sleep schedules, I co-slept with him for the first couple of months, I ventured to outings and trips more freely than I did with my first. I nursed carefree wherever I went and I got my placenta encapsulated.

This is not scientifically approved or dismissed however; I can share from my experience. The placenta pills helped me in the early postpartum weeks and generated more energy than I think I would have had without them. If I had a stash that lasted 4-6 months, I might have not experienced postpartum again? I don’t know. I know that mental health is genetic and can be triggered through life situations and circumstances. We are all affected differently through change and this is my personal battle.

Yes, my husband was home straight for 2 weeks… but when he left, the void was massive in my daughters heart and I couldn’t give her “daddy”. I could give her mommy hugs, stories, shows and goldfishies, but when she cried for daddy… I broke inside. Even the framed picture of daddy standing with his heli didn’t quench the sobs.

As I was getting Caleb’s 4 month immunizations, a tired looking mom walked into the waiting room with her 3 month old daughter. We came to exchanging life’s battles with having a toddler also and that time has slipped away from us and our marriages. We were discussing feeding and sleeping schedules and both sheepishly admitted to feeding our babies formula now. Not just ANY formula… COSTCO brand formula.

She reminisced about the time she came to a mothers support group and all the breast feeding mothers gathered in a loving, supportive circle breast feeding their chill babies while she sat on a chair on the outskirts of the circle bottle feeding. The feelings of seclusion are real. The feelings of loneliness in the decision to formula feed hurt a mothers heart. Almost as if you let your body down, as if you let your baby down- now that he’s getting “liquid silver”.

Have you ever noticed the look and disgrace on an Olympians face when they receive a silver medal? It’s not gold. They would prefer placing a third place bronze for heavens sake.

From my comings and goings and couple of years being a mother, I’ve noticed “one thing under the sun”- have grace and be grace to others. Everyone’s story is different. Most mothers do not choose as first option to formula feed. Our bodies were designed to nourish life and create it! But there may have been a terrible experience breast feeding with your first child that you don’t even bother trying with your second to eleviate stress before it begins. Some mothers needed a C Section and their bodies don’t supply adequately. And other moms deal with major mental issues and partners working away that their children sleep better on formula and it works for others to feed when needed.

Lets open the circles for the bottle feeding moms who go through a lot of work and money making sure the bottles are clean enough that they won’t get poisoned. Or keeping track of when to dispose the unused formula before it also becomes lethal.

When my daughter is walking down the isle in her beautiful white dress, is it going to matter if she was breast fed or formula fed? When I’m shopping for my sons first car, is it going to matter that he was breast fed or formula fed?

God has placed a very obvious ministry to me. The encouragement and support to other moms who may believe the lie that what they face daily is foreign and no one else understands. To the breast feeding mother who has had to deal with other health issues in their infants… I am on your team and I will straighten your crown. To the mom who is very organized about feeding her baby straight up organic- PLEASE TEACH ME!! To the mom who is formula feeding, I want to hear your story. How are you doing? Are you grieving the loss of that one special bond with your child? Cuz I am!

Thank God I know there are so many further bonds to be made and had with my kids. I’m praying that the second born loves eating solid foods and isn’t picky like his big sister !

I brought 2 human lives onto this earth with the help of the Creator and I am going to relish in my body’s ability to do that and I will continue to feed my kids food whatever that may be- Gold or silver.